BE that person!

For many years, I have dreaded Mothers Day. MANY years. I have viewed it as a quintessential guilt trip, an excuse for members of the previous generation to lord it over the younger one and for others to jump on board and make a person feel five times guiltier because she doesn't gush platitudes about her own mother. 

And really, with the kind of upbringing I had - which can only be described as violent - who can blame me? Yet - since having children of my own, I have 'allowed' the celebration of the second Sunday of May ... for their sake. I always felt like a hypocrite about it though, knowing how much I detest the approach of that day and having to wade through all the gushy, mushy stuff on store shelves, social media, and even store flyers.

But my view is changing a little lately.  Maybe it's happened partly as a result of losing one of my children (October 2013). Or maybe it's because I realize that I have been punishing my present self for having had a rotten past.  And guess what? That's not fair.

This free photo is from Pixabay; check them out!
https://pixabay.com/

I saw a little sign posted in one of the bathroom stalls at work, and its message has been haunting me the last little while, especially with the approach of Mothers Day.  It says, "A great future does not require a great past." 

And as I ponder the approach of yet another Mothers Day ... perhaps my focus is starting to change. As a result, the dread I normally feel is slowly being replaced by ... something else I cannot quite identify yet. What I do know is that I cannot change what happened in my past. I cannot change the fact that I cannot feel what many women my age feel about their mothers, because I did not have that kind of close, trusting relationship with her that my friends had with theirs. 

But I can BE that mother. I can BE that person who engenders trust, love, and loyalty in people, especially in my only remaining offspring. I can BE her because I HAD to BE her for MYSELF. In the last nine years or so, I have had to literally re-parent myself and tell myself all the things she would never have dreamed of saying: that I was worthy, that I was good at things, that I was appreciated, that I was loved simply for being myself.  And I can tell those things to my own daughter - because they're true, and because in the telling of them, I am not diminished, but rather, I grow.

So this year, I am saying this - Happy Mothers Day to my daughter. Happy Mothers Day even if you are NEVER a mother yourself; I hope I have given you the best present I could give you: my love, and my self, in a way that you could understand and take into yourself.

Because I want to BE that person, my dear. Because YOU are WORTH IT.

The beginning of motherhood

A few years ago, a doctor was doing surgery on a pregnant woman's uterus to correct a defect in the placenta or some such thing, when the baby reached out and grabbed his finger. The child was only about 20 weeks along, not considered a "viable fetus." Yet that one experience convinced the doctor - who had been "pro-choice" before - to join the "pro-life" camp.

I know that we believe firmly in the church that life begins at conception. It's difficult to argue for abortion faced with the kind of evidence in the photo. I'm told that the doctor was deeply moved by this experience and became a pro-life advocate. I'm not sure if that's really the case or not.

But something about the whole abortion debate bothers me. Don't get me wrong - I believe that abortion is murder. That's not in question at all for me. But I believe that there is a disconnect in the church between this belief and the actions of some of its members.

Let me explain. I was pregnant with my first child - about as far along or farther than the woman whose child is pictured above. It was Mother's Day. When the pastor asked for mothers to line up to receive a carnation to honour their position as mothers, I - believing that life begins at conception - stood up.

Someone tugged at my sleeve. "Sit back down," this person said. "You're not a mother yet."

Not a mother?? Hadn't I been feeling the life inside of me moving? Wasn't my body nourishing my baby's body and helping it grow? Wasn't she keeping me awake at night already? Haven't I already made sacrifices for her? Wasn't I already moving in such a way so that she wouldn't feel trapped under me? (I slept on my stomach before becoming pregnant...) Wasn't I already getting to know her likes and dislikes? (big band and classical versus rock music, etc.)

I protested, saying that I was SO a mother. The person said to me, flatly, "You're not a mother until after the baby is born." Point blank. Just like that. I couldn't believe my ears.

Hm. So it's not a baby until it starts to breathe, is that what you're saying to me? I thought. But I said nothing. I was too shocked, hurt and bewildered by the whole experience. It took me several years to get over this and figure out what was behind that kind of statement.

So my point is this, I guess. If we're going to picket the abortion clinics (something I personally wouldn't do to someone who was that much in distress that she would brave the ridicule, accusations, and sarcasm of "Christians" to find some way out of her painful situation) and stand against abortion - let's be consistent!! Let's treat a woman who is pregnant as carrying a real person inside of her body ... and acknowledge that this is just as much motherhood as when the baby is born and we have to put clothes on it to keep it warm (and - as so many do - hand its care off to someone else for awhile when we get tired of looking after it: pregnant mothers don't get to do that).

Let's shed "superstitious thinking" - you know, the kind of thinking that refuses to turn the page on the calendar on the 31st of the month and has to wait until the 1st before flipping up from June to July - the thinking that fears "tempting fate" or some such nonsense, and let's think through and truly live from our convictions in such a way that it affects what we do ...and say.

Let's quit just talking about loving people as they are, and just...
DO it.