Taking care while caretaking

I'm a recovering codependent. 

It is an effort for me to let people make their own mistakes without trying to rush in and fix things, or to fix the people. When I put on my "Fix-it" cap, people either become more dependent on me (which breeds resentment on both sides) or they immediately beome defensive and angry. 

Usually. 

However, there are times when the "caretaking" skills come in handy - like when someone I love is literally unable to care for himself or herself. 

Like this weekend. My eldest fell on a patch of black ice while trying to get into the family vehicle. In that fall, she twisted her left knee so much so that the patella (kneecap) shifted around to the outside - and she had to shift it back until it "clicked" into place (shuddddder.) 

We finally (that is, after over 24 hours of arguing) convinced her that she needed to have it seen. Her dad took her to an emergency room in a hospital which is an hour's drive away - one that is known for shorter wait times. She was seen very quickly, X-rayed to exclude the possibility of a bone chip or cracked patella, had a huge knee-brace put on her leg to keep it straight - and referred to an extremely good orthopedic surgeon here in our community. The wait time to see him is usually 2 to 3 months. He called this morning and wants to meet her at our local hospital a week from tomorrow. (This gives the swelling time to go down so an MRI can get a better picture, quite likely). 

Oh ... did I forget to mention that she RE-injured the knee trying to get back into the house (5 stairs up to the top of the deck plus a lu-lu of a doorstep to get into the house) with the knee brace on? Once again, she had to click the patella back in place. In the rain. Sitting on a wet deck. The whole thing was a nightmare for all concerned - especially her.

A hand-held shower: simple solution to mobility problems

Anyway... today I called my boss and told her that I'd be taking some time off today to look after my daughter and arrange ways for her to look after herself in the day-to-day. 

If I need to, I'll take leave without pay to look after her, but I hope it doesn't come to that. 

Her dad is running unexpected errands today - getting items we never thought we'd need: a hand-held shower head, other assorted household items, a wheelchair rental, materials to build a ramp from the top of the deck to the driveway - and I'm looking at ways to get her access to the things she normally uses in the run of a day, so that she can function from day to day without help.

And herein is the greatest difference between the way I would have handled this four years ago and the way I'm approaching it now. I'm actually actively seeking ways for her to be independent. Before, I would have lapped this up and wanted more. Yes, in a way I am enjoying the opportunity to look after her hand and foot. However, I know that this is a danger zone for me - so I need to ask myself, even now, if this (whatever it is) is something I NEED to do or if I should let her try to figure it out on her own. 

Sometimes it's appropriate for me to offer my help; after that, though, it's more appropriate to make a way for her to do things for herself. 

It's a learning process. And I'm learning.

Ripples in a pond - the impact of a single life

I was having a chat with my best friend today, and we started talking about how we often aren't aware of the lives that we touch just by being ourselves and living our lives in faith. How we don't need to stress and strain and grunt and groan to get people to see the light. That's trying to do God's work (convincing and convicting people of sin, growing them up...) and when we try to do God's job for Him, we end up getting the opposite result from the one we intended.

Call me naïve, call me idealistic, but I love to watch the movie Forrest Gump. It reminds me that just BEING, being true to ourselves and believing in God, and keeping a positive attitude, and looking for the best in people, can have a tremendous impact on the people around us.

One of the sub-plots in Forrest Gump is the story of Dan Taylor. This is a guy who thinks he's got it all worked out. His ancestors all died in battle; he figures that's his destiny - to follow in their footsteps. But Forrest puts a monkey wrench in that plan in Viet Nam when he saves Dan's life after a mine explodes and takes his legs off.

He struggles with anger, bitterness, and resentment for years. Through it all Forrest remains his friend, even invites him to work on his boat after the war. And then it happens. The big tropical storm. Dan "has it out" with God. Yells in His face, gets out all that anger and rage - and through that experience, makes peace with Him. I went looking for that scene and found it in the middle of a montage of scenes from Dan Taylor's journey. The music is Bon Jovi's "It's my life." Somehow it suits the theme. Here it is:

I've known a few people like Forrest. In many ways my dad was like him: honest, loyal, generous, loving. "I'm not a smart man," Forrest said. "But I know what love is." That's it. If ever I had any doubts about the impact of one single life, all I would need to do is remember my dad's funeral service in November 1993. The town's population at the time was some 6000 people. I'm pretty sure that a good 500 people filled that tiny church, because there were people lined up outside the main doors, filling most of the foyer and lining up outside the door to pay respects to this man who had no clue that he impacted that many people in his life. But he did.

I've also known a few people like Dan. Some of them never made that peace with God, never dealt with their inner demons. Some of them did. Theirs are the stories of miraculous grace and deliverance from all kinds of horrible things. In a way, my own story mirrors Dan's. I was never in the army, but I was in a war zone: my family. I was in danger all my life, wondering when the next verbal grenade would be thrown, when the next physical blow would fall (and how long that would last), when someone would want something from me that nobody should have to give unwillingly, or when I would step into somebody else's emotional mine field.

As a result, for decades I was an emotional cripple because of things other people did while I was growing up, and every time anyone did anything to me afterward, it just added to the great heap of "stuff people have done to screw up my life." I was bound up in bitterness and resentment, wearing my victim mentality like a badge of honor. I lashed out at the people around me and ended up hurting them, almost irreparably. I was desperate to control something - anything - anyone. I tried every trick in the book to get the people in my life, even after I moved away from home and had a family of my own, to do what I wanted them to do. It always had the opposite effect.

But recently God brought about a storm in my life, one from which there was no escaping. And in that storm, I found Him waiting to take all that baggage from me if I would just give it to Him. Once I started unloading all of that - He started transforming my life, first on the inside and then in ripples coming out from that, touching other people's lives just by me living out that transformation in my own. I've been amazed at His ability to do that.

I still am.