They jammed me into the place they wanted me to be, held in place by straps and cushions, and wired up to listen to soothing music, my left hand holding a panic button and my right held immobile at my side while they took a picture of my right shoulder with a very large, very powerful magnet.
My eyes were about two inches from the inside of the tube. Talk about invading one's personal space. I felt completely powerless. This beast had me and I was in its belly until it was done with me.
I'm familiar with that feeling. As a child, I felt it every time I was beaten. And as an adult I vowed I'd never feel at anyone's mercy again. Well, that didn't happen. For many years I was at the mercy of the most cruel, exacting, judgmental, and perfectionistic person I know.
Me.
My expectations of myself were nothing less than perfection. And I expected no less from the people around me either.
No wonder they didn't want to have anything to do with me or with anything I believed.
Try as I might, I was powerless to change them. And I was totally incapable of changing myself. I was stuck. And truth be told, I deluded myself into thinking that I was a selfless, giving person, who wanted nothing more than the best for everyone in my life (definition of the best was "what I want them to do"). The harder I tried, the more I got the opposite of what I wanted. I learned the hard way that the very things you fear the most are the very things that you create in your life. Loneliness? check. Rejection? double-check. Abandonment? oh yeah.
My journey to a place of wholeness, a life of power, began when I admitted that I was powerless. Totally, completely, with no reservations, no conditions. In the control and power department, I was totally bankrupt. I had no resources to control other people, make them do what I wanted them to do. Nor could I make MYSELF do what I wanted to do either. Admitting I was powerless gave me permission to fail. It gave me permission to allow others to fail. It opened up my mind to the possibility that if I couldn't manage my own life, much less anyone else's, then I needed a Manager.
THAT WAS HUGE FOR ME.
I had thought I was pretty normal, not uptight like a lot of folks. But this admission made me realize just how tense I was.
It was like the moment that I received an epidural (spinal anesthetic) when I had my first child. The doctor told me to get as relaxed as I possibly could. I thought I was. I was slumped over in a very loose way ... and then the needle went into my spinal column. Immediately I slumped forward another six inches as the control I was holding over my lower body left me in a moment of time. Poof. Gone. Just like that. It surprised me.
Within days of the admission that I was powerless over other people, when a situation would arise that I had previously tried to manipulate or control...the knowledge that I couldn't control it came to my rescue. I could relax. Inside my mind and heart, I could give this person the right to have a different opinion than me. I could stop trying to manipulate that person's feelings and just be honest. (That was a trip.) I could let go (see my last post). I didn't need to get all bent out of shape because things weren't going my way. It wasn't the end of the world. Previously, it had been.
The admission I was powerless actually gave me far more power than I had before. Not with other people initially, but personally, inside. It freed up so many inner resources that up until that time were bound up with fretting over what other people did, what they said, what they thought, how they felt. Usually about me.
It's so different now. The freedom that kind of mindset gives me is the source of all kinds of good things in my life: new friendships, a new outlook on life, new interests, new passions. Old (unhealthy) relationships have been transformed - and those that couldn't be transformed have been ended. I am more and more free as time goes on. And I would not trade that kind of liberty for any amount of influence someone could promise me over another's behavior.
Not if it meant going back to the way things used to be.
You could easily be describing myself with this blog. I hear you loud and clear.
ReplyDeleteThe day when I submitted to God, gave up the Directorship of my life was like someone had relieved me off the pressure of the world.
In a way, when we are the directors of our own lives, we are gods to ourselves, and therefore it's not surprising we are carrying the weight of the world (ours and others' as well) on our backs. How much less stress it is to put the ownership of our lives back where it belongs. Thanks very much for your comments Julie!
ReplyDelete"Nor could I make MYSELF do what I wanted to do either." This is an insight I need to hear again and again. Thanks!
ReplyDelete